Updated: Dec 9, 2020
I have to come clean. I have been bullshitting all of you.
I pledge from this point forward to really show you the true me. I have been feverishly constructing walls and maintaining facades. And I'm done. I'm fucking done. It feels good. I finally get to be...me.
For years I have felt the need to have a closet full of different skins and masks. My anti hero name is the Chameleon.
I had a breakthrough this week where I saw for the first time a belief that I have held for years. "I don't belong". This has guided so many of my thoughts and actions. And its bullshit. I'm not angry. When this belief was formed, I needed it. It kept me safe, secure, and helped me become who I am today. It made me become the seeker, the bold adventurer that I needed to be to have all the formative experiences I have had.
As far as I can remember this belief of 'I don't belong' was established as a result of me mouthing off to my soon to be stepdad. I had just gotten out of the bath. He warned me to not be 'fresh'. I ignored his warning. He picked me up and threw me in a snow bank outside. I was naked. I was 2 years old.
In my mind, as far as I can recall, I was standing up for my mother, my brother, for my core tribe. Who was this new person who thought they were in charge?
Well, after the snow bank, I realized that approach wasn't a great one if I wanted to safe.
I have felt this sense of ‘I don't belong’ many times in my life. I have never quite found my tribe. I certainly always valued friends over family because I REALLY never felt at home there.
The flip side is I have developed a superpower of courageous deep bonding with just about anyone. In my search for belonging I have engaged with so many people across cultural, societal, and idealogical boundaries to name a few. I see the thread of good in everyone. I can relate. I can empathize. This makes me a really good coach. And a pretty good human, but...
I have been bullshitting everyone everyday. I have continued to put on a facade. I have attempted to control perceptions. I have this picture in my head how my coaching is supposed to look from the outside. And it's not right. My life and my coaching are not separate. Compartmentalization is never sustainable.
I experience stress and friction as my children are climbing the walls and yelling in the background while I attempt to coach my clients. Here's the breakthrough - I don't have to apologize for my life. It doesn't have to be a certain way! It is what it is. Here's the new deal - you want to hire me as your coach? This is my reality. The chaos and realness are included. Free of charge :).
The beautiful thing is, this is what I am here to teach. How to maintain your energy, your spirit, your joy, amidst all the madness, the distractions, the chaos. AND I am teaching people to follow their hearts, to ignore the so called rules, to break free from the industrial age, where perfection and control demanded that we listen to the boss and sit still and quiet at our desk with our hands folded and facing the front of the room. Fuck that.
My children are here to teach me this, among other things. They are modeling for all of us what it looks like to follow the energy, follow our hearts. To play together and explore and move our bodies. Rules be damned.
The saying goes, "when the student is ready, the teacher appears". Another one says, "We keep experiencing 'the lesson' until we learn what we need to learn to grow". This lesson often looks like stress, anxiety, angst, friction etc.
Where are you feeling resistance or friction in your life? Could it be that there is a lesson there that the universe is patiently presenting to you over and over, just waiting for you to see the gift of growth that lies within?